while you still lie next to me
by SometimeAfterMidnight
Summary: "Sometimes its the things you can't do, that bring out the brilliance of what you can" - Unknown. Did it really happen? Were they really sure? Some over-analyzing brought on by extremely close quarters.


a/n: Hi! This is my first foray into the world of New Girl fanfiction so I'm keeping it short. After last weeks episode I couldn't NOT write something. So be kind, leave some feedback or encouragement if you'd like and I look forward to getting to know some of you!

()()()()()

Her favorite things were always the simple things.

The way she would catch him staring only at her, even in a crowded room. How his hand would subconsciously find hers when they were sitting side by side on the couch. The smile that would spread across his face when he knew she was proud of him.

She wasn't one of those girls who needed designer labels or a fancy car to feel fulfilled in life. She sought kindness and purpose and laughter. An Adirondack chair with a glass of water and a good book was her idea of a successful afternoon. She wanted to be able to sit outside, breathe in the air, and realize that she was just a small part of a very big picture.

But somewhere along the line that picture of happiness had shifted. Sometime during the past year she had come to expect lips that would kiss her good morning. She'd gotten used to the fascinated smirk he would give her when she put on one of her fancy dresses for a night out. She craved late nights when she would hear him open her bedroom door and feel the mattress dip as he climbed into bed and snuggled up behind her. Suddenly, making him happy and being happy _together_ became her focus while everything else blurred into the background.

But none of that mattered now.

It hadn't happened for no reason at all. Their argument had stemmed from real issues and conversations that they needed to have. But, as she laid their in the darkness, she couldn't help but think there hadn't been much of a discussion at all. As soon as it had started it was just…over.

Over. She and Nick were over. Was that what she really wanted? Was it what he wanted?

He'd loved her from the start, or so he said. It hadn't been that immediate for her, he knew that, but once it had happened it had snowballed quickly into something she no longer had any control over. One little hit was all it had taken. Even on the best of terms there was no way things could ever go back to the way they'd been _before_…regardless if she missed her friend or not.

The past 24 hours just felt like one big blur. Too much alcohol, talk of William Taft and marble mazes, lake houses and horses all floated around in her subconscious. Had Nick really said he wanted to live on Mars and had she actually believed him enough to fight about it with him? But it wasn't that he wanted to travel in space or be a long haul trucker that had caused everything to unravel. It was the fact that, reality be damned, neither one of them seemed to be on the same page.

_Life is messy. _

The declaration floated through her memory.

_And the messy parts are the best parts._

She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and inhaled deeply. She wasn't sure how much she believed that anymore. There was no doubt that _this _was as much of a mess as she'd ever experienced. She didn't know how she would ever be able to look back at this moment and realize that it was one of her best.

()()()()()

He could hear her breathing. Her stupid, soft, girly breathing.

He tried not to think about when she used to roll against him and press her face against his neck, or how her breath against his skin would create instant goosebumps all over his body. She would drag her nose against his jaw, all the blood in his body would instantly rush to his groin, and he was a done.

He exhaled. Friends. That's all they were now. Friends.

His eyes flew open in frustration as he stared into the dark bedroom. He'd told her he missed his friend, and he supposed in some way he did, but he and Jess had never really been friends, not in the traditional sense at least. He'd been a goner since the first time he'd heard her stupid story about surprising her cheating, douche bag, ex-boyfriend Spencer. It was her eyes and her glasses and her bangs and her stupid songs that had made him jealous of every other guy she spent time with that wasn't him.

But then he'd grown a pair of balls and kissed her and everything had changed. Sure he was awkward and over thought everything and wondered if he would ever be a good enough guy to deserve a girl like Jess but somehow it had worked…well, until they decided it didn't.

He didn't want to live on Mars. He didn't want to raise strange, feral children or leave his family behind so he could drive a truck around the county by himself. He was pretty sure Jess didn't really want a horse or to have children who would name themselves either.

His eyes darted around as he searched for any sign of light in the pitch black room. He couldn't even see the big picture at the time of their argument. They'd talked about having children…_together_. They'd talked about a long-term future and, somehow, that had all taken a backseat to space travel, un-schooled offspring, and talk of preassembling gifts on Christmas morning.

He only fought with her because he cared. Maybe it was a defense mechanism of some sort. She expected so much from him and he wanted to give it all to her but was he that guy? The way she talked so passionately about everything made him feel like she only saw the future in black and white. They lived in Oregon…on a lake. They had two kids who were creative and went to public school. Even rethinking the plans she'd unleashed on him freaked him out. She had filled him in on their future like she was reading off of a syllabus and the more she talked the more nervous he became. His responses to everything she'd said had been complete nonsense but he had proved his point.

Jess knew what she wanted and she also didn't know if she'd ever get it from him. Hell, he didn't know if he could give it to her. He'd wanted to scream at her in frustration and kiss her senseless at the same time and when she'd dropped the whole "friends" thing on him he'd jumped in with both feet. It was an out and at that moment he didn't know what else to do. It meant an end to their fighting and, right then and there, that was the only thing he wanted.

But, in hindsight, it would never work. The thought of watching Jess lounge on the couch with some other guy physically made him sick. He didn't want to ever see her kiss someone else or hear her gentle moans float through the loft from behind her bedroom door. He was the only one allowed to do those things, to experience those things, and he knew that would never change.

He buried his head in his pillow. This was dumb. It was stupid and rash and he'd wished it had never happened.

()()()()()

What happened next?

Would she move out? Would he? They very well couldn't continue to share a room. She could barely tolerate laying six inches away from him, positive she could feel the heat from his body radiate in her direction.

It would be so easy to forget their argument and subsequent breakup had even happened. If she really wanted to she could roll over and press her body against his back. She could slip her hands underneath his shirt and press them flat against his stomach, holding him tightly to her.

She clenched her fists. All she wanted to do was touch him.

But it wouldn't change anything.

She wondered if he doubted everything the way she did. She wondered if he thought they should have talked things through a little more. Sure, they fought mercilessly but they had more in common than just love and attraction. He had become so engrained in her life and she realized in that moment that it wasn't something that could just be satiated by friendship.

Maybe it was a bad dream…maybe she could just reach over and pinch him and she would wake up from her life-altering nightmare.

Without a word she swung her arm over her side and inched it in the direction of Nick's sleeping body.

All she wanted to do was to touch him…

()()()()()

He just wanted to know she was still there…that this was _real_…that this was _happening_.

He reached his arm over his body and in the direction of Jess' waist. He just wanted to touch her, to run his fingers against the patch of skin between the top of her pajama pants and the bottom of her t-shirt that was always exposed when she laid down.

But instead his fingers bumped against hers.

It was like an electric shock. He froze for a moment, her fingers petal soft against his, wondering if she was sleeping in that position or if she was doing the same thing he was.

When her pinky finger linked with his pointer finger he got his answer.

The sensations that stabbed him in his heart hit him like a ton of bricks. Where did they go from here? What was she thinking? Did she feel the same overpowering sadness that he did?

Neither one of them spoke a word or made any attempts to further their interaction. They just laid in the dark with their hands grasped in one another's behind their backs, their bodies turned away from each other.

He sighed and ran his thumb against Jess' hand. He loved her. This silly, annoying, perky, beautiful girl. He didn't know what would happen when the sun rose and they were faced with the magnitude of their hasty decision but, for now, he would lay there and hold her hand and hope that, somehow, their story wouldn't end at friendship.


End file.
